Attributes of a True Friend

By Sharafa Mohammed, Co-Director Of Social Media

As we all know, every one of us is born into a community and a society in which we interact with people from a very young age. This includes our neighbors, those whom we go to school with, those whom we have seen elsewhere in public, and so on. As time passes, we may become closer to them, and they become known as our friends. Islam teaches us many things about friends and the qualities of friendship. We are governed by or should be following, a certain set of rules and regulations regarding how to interact with people whom we consider friends, what we should be sharing with them, and how they should be impacting our lives.

Ali (RA) told us that “a person is measured by the company he keeps” (Ghazali 134). Therefore, it is important for us to select our friends very carefully and to make sure that we have not befriended those who will have a negative impact on us. For example, if a person’s friends use drugs, chances are that a particular person also uses drugs. There is a famous English proverb you may have heard stating, “Birds of a feather flock together.” We should recognize that we interact and mix with people who are like-minded, people who think in a similar manner, people who understand our specific type of understanding, and people who have our level of discussion when they speak. We consider those people our friends. It is important to mix with like-minded people who will not disrupt our habits and with whom we will be able to develop and grow rather than impacting us in a negative way.

Islam teaches us how to recognize who is a good company for us. If people are having a bad impact on you, then they are bad friends, and if they are having a good impact on you, even though you might not be that grand of a person, then they are definitely good company for you. The same also applies in reverse, particularly when we want to know if we are being good friends. If you have a good impact on someone, then they are in good company and have a good friend, but if you are having a bad impact on them, then they are in bad company. Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said, “A person’s religious life is only as good as that of his friend, so let each one of you consider well whom he befriends” (Tirmidhi 2378). Therefore, we should be very mindful of the people we are consistently interacting with so that we may learn and improve ourselves while in their company.

Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said, “When you love someone, you love them in moderation because one day, they may become your enemy or they may dislike you” (Tirmidhi 1997). This is significant because when we love people or are close to them, we sometimes share some secrets with them and give them a little bit of information that we would not like others to know. In that instance, we can become enslaved by that particular piece of information if the person holds it against us. They can either blackmail us or hold it to the degree at which they can make us do whatever they want, threatening to release that information. For this reason, it is important for us to know what type of information we give people, how much we tell them, and how much we trust them. Therefore, there are certain things you do not share with anyone at all, especially when a person has committed a sin. Islam says that we should never be proud of sharing a sin with others.

The Quran says, “Those who like to spread tales of sin between the believing or among the believing people, for them will be a severe punishment in this world and the next” (Surah An-Noor 19). We should not spread tales of immorality between the believers. If someone has committed a sin, it is their secret that is between them and Allah (SWT). They should repent for it as soon as possible and believe that they are now forgiven. So, when a person begins to share the way he has sinned, he becomes enslaved by those people. Tomorrow, if we wanted to break off our relations with people for legitimate reasons, they may hold some information about us that embarrasses us or portrays us negatively. May Allah (SWT) protect us all from this situation.

Moreover, do not allow anyone who wants you to be their friend to actually be your friend. You need to choose your friends; do not let those who want you as their friend become your friends because they may not be friendship material. That friendship may result in you degrading yourself. As an example, people who mix with others who swear they will end up swearing. Not everything that a person may do is right, so we should not allow them within our close circle.

The best way to maintain relationships with people is to have circles of relations. The innermost circle is the people who we are closest to, and then the next circle is slightly bigger and is made up of people who are not as close, and so forth until there is a circle which ends with people who are just acquaintances. There are some people who are so close to us that we can share much more with them, all our joys and pains; whereas, we hold others at an arm's length with respect, love, and care. This includes love for our religion, for Allah (SWT), and for the entire community at large. This is a different love that is based on our understanding of the people. It does not mean that you love someone so much that you drop all your barriers and let them have whatever they need and want. We need to realize that certain people are within this closed circle, but there are others whom we might not trust that much. We might not have tested that trust yet and we might not know exactly where they stand. For that reason, we should not share so much information with them. We will not enjoy such a close relationship with them because of their distance with us.

The Quran says, “Close friends will be enemies on the Day of Judgement except for those who used to be conscious of their Maker” (Surah Az-Zukhruf 67). There are so many people who are close to each other but that friendship has not led them to become closer to their Maker. Therefore, on the Day of Resurrection, they will say “I wish that I had had such and such a person as a friend rather than this one. I wish I did not have this particular person as a friend of mine because they led me astray and they took me away from the worship of the Maker. They took me away from goodness and they took me to that which was evil, and for this reason, they have resulted in my destruction today. This is why I wish and I hope that I did not have these people as my friends now” (Menk). When a person's friendship has not drawn both of them to closer to Allah (SWT), they are at loss. Some people know each other because of wealth, because they go to school together, or because they play golf together. Those people should stay within that circle. It does not mean that they should be invited into your home. We should identify the barrier between our close friends and our acquaintances.

We must be beneficial to those who have befriended us. If they are making a mistake, it is our duty to tell them that what they are doing is wrong. If we do not tell them, we are going to be making an even bigger mistake and we are going to be responsible on the Day of Judgement. Allah (SWT) is going to ask us, “I made you a friend of so-and-so, why did you not remind them of their duty towards Me? You saw them going wrong and you never ever batted an eyelid. You never ever told them that ‘what you are doing is wrong’ or ‘what you are saying is wrong’” (Menk). What we should also learn from this is to never feel bad when we are corrected. Sometimes, if a person feels bad when he is corrected, no one will want to correct him in the future. So, if we feel bad because someone has highlighted a mistake we are making, then the only way to excel and move forward is to thank that person and really consider their words. Though we might feel like that person has not understood us or our intentions, the least we can do is heed their advice and not disrespect them. It takes courage and effort to point out what aspects a friend should change or improve, so we should be thankful that they have been genuine to us. If there are people who make an effort to correct us and guide us towards what is correct, we should thank Allah Almighty that such people exist in our lives. We should learn to be happy when a friend corrects us and says we may be making a mistake because that is true friendship and a sign that he or she truly cares about us. Hearing criticism or advice can be difficult in some situations, but what we must remember is that being told what is correct is our path to developing and growing into better Muslims, our path to becoming closer to Allah (SWT), and our path to success in this world and the Hereafter.

May Allah (SWT) grant us the ability to distinguish between who is a good company for us and who is not. May Allah (SWT) give us the guidance to deal with people who may no longer be our friends. May Allah (SWT) grant each of us companions with whom we can share our joys and increase our Iman. May Allah (SWT) grant us good friends whom we can trust, rely on, and learn from.

Sources

Al-Ghazali, Abu Hamid. The Beginning of Guidance. Translated by Mashhad Al-Allaf, White Thread Press, 2010.

Menk, Mufti. “Mufti Menk - Attributes of a True Friend.” YouTube, uploaded by THE WAY OF LIFE, 20 Nov. 2012, https://youtu.be/GYzXq-sGg_Q.